THE WORST ALBUMS OF 2024

 Okay, I must first apologize. This year has been chaos for me and I had a hard time finding the time to properly settle down and write those hard focused reviews. I felt like if I cannot do them right, don't do them. But I am absolutely ready to give you a nice winded "worst" list. Yes these releases disappointed, maybe even insulted good modern music. This is not a place for "meh", these are just forgotten like that sock that disappears in the wash. These are for the "wow someone let this off the cutting room floor?", "Why did no one stop this person from releasing this?", "Do the fans of this actually like music or are just trying to be unique?" This is also where I sound off on "Wow, I actually liked the last album. What the heck is this?" 

With that, I am going to take my 5 minutes to roast the new Linkin Park. I need a moment. This band meant so much to me and has a lot of ups and downs with me. They did not even forewarn Chester Bennington's family about their reuniting with Dead Sara lead vocalist. That left a very sour taste, but I went in with an open mind. Scrub that. From Zero really does sound like they began from zero. Zero being they actually had no good ideas, so they turned on the radio and mimicked the modern hits of the genre. This is the discount store version of Linkin Park. I am insulted they put Linkin Park's good name on this release. Make a new band name for your generic follower music. You used to be the innovators, not the followers! 

Stars need to STOP saying "this is my most personal album yet!" As soon as I hear that phrase, I know it is going to be the most generic or dull thing in their catalog. Personal is hearing the deepest roots of your life. Personal is the kind of thing that makes me want to root for you and feel things when I hear it. It is NOT the mindless guitar drivel Shawn Mendes just put out. Shawn felt less personal and more like he had to fulfill that album contract. I am not a Mendes fan in the general, but this was hard to listen to. I felt about half way through that a nap would be more exciting.

I just want to remind you in case you forgot, Paris Hilton attempted a comeback. I say attempted because there was no "Stars are Blind" sort of hidden hit moment. I did not even enjoy the mentioned song, but frankly, she needs to stay in her lane. That lane is not music.

Okay, I do not think Foster the People has struck "gold" since their debut Torches. Their lead musician being a previous jingle writer has now gone too far. These dancey, disco-esque sounds of "Paradise State of Mind" was anything but for me. I will take Sit Next to Me or other meh radio fodder over whatever this was any day. The sad thing is underneath the worst chosen beats for their career, I think they had something to say. That audience is not on any dance floor...

I mean, I knew the new Ice Spice debut would be garbage when the lead single came out. She should rap that about her own 15 minutes of fame. A steaming pile of uninspired garbage to fall in with the rest of the forgotten rappers who only had a minute because they somehow went viral. 

Remi Wolf's release "Big Ideas" had potential. I hear some flecks of good ideas. Except the lyricism is half-baked and the ideas did not work. It also sounds like two albums fighting each other. She should have kept one idea and made another album out of the others. I guess it was too many big ideas in one mashing. 

I don't have to insult the new Imagine Dragons, we all forgot it came out. Wait, actually I am going to. Because their last releases at least had one or two things to remind you Imagine Dragons might still come back from the dead. This was like the coffin. To switch to a dance thing, borderline reggae in places and think I want to listen to Dan sing about being God-like. I am not going to the tour of whatever steaming pile of drivel this was. They are out of ideas. They are done, hang it up, try something new. Maybe go work with some real people and reconnect with humanity. Touch some grass. Way too high on the smell of their own farts in this room. Truly one of the worst things I tried to tolerate this year. Do not let "Eyes Closed" which is just eating of the structure of other hits, fool you about the content of Loom. The "Loom" is the looming over the end of their careers clearly. 

Normally I would commend an artist for at least trying something new. Okay actually I shouldn't say that. I am notorious for being upset an artist I like goes in a new sonic direction because I didn't see anything wrong with the old one. I am regaining my spice to discuss Camilla Cabello's "C,XOXO". She tried hyperpop. I should say first, I do not even like hyperpop. It is chaotic, pointless, lyrically dull, and I feel the evolution of the pop/EDM cycle that happened circa 2012-2015, where it was better to be a meme to get on the radio. Which I felt was the death of good pop music. While I attempted to escape the trumpets of Jason DeRulo, learning what the fox says, and popping tags at the thrift shop, Hyperpop decided to take the drivel of this to new heights. However, Camilla forgot the thing that does leave me at least having a minor sense of respect for true Hyperpop songwriters. They are forging a new path, making their own genres, being truly experimental. There is absolutely nothing particularly experimental or wowing about C,XOXO. It sounds so dry and uninspired. 

Speaking of uninspired and disappointing...I was on the Gracie Abrams hype train before she was cool. I loved her style, her emotional songwriting, her voice. There was something about her that grabbed me. Then she opened for the Eras Tour and forgot who she was. To become a little Swiftian copycat. I love Taylor but I don't want all my singers to sound like Taylor. Gracie forgot what made her big in the first place in many of our hearts: the emotional authenticity. Which is strikingly absent from this slightly more upbeat number lacking in heart. Most of the songs are so shallow in their quest of love and lust that it makes me wonder if the other person of the previous albums was real. Kind of like when Lorde went from Pure Heroine to Melodrama. 

We waited years for Normani to finally release Dopamine, her debut album. Motivation took the world by storm with the ads and also just how catchy the song was. However, she made a return to form. I say this because I never felt like Normani stood out in Fifth Harmony. A lot of people were high on her praises and I did not feel like she was capable of meeting those standards. Dopamine is okay for what it is, but I feel like a lot of others did it better already. 

You want to talk about falling off a cliff of success? Let's talk about Radical Optimism. Dua Lipa's new album followed up the soaring heights of "Future Nostalgia" but had none of the memorable charm. Houdini and Illusion were decent radio fodder hits but it makes me fear she already struck lightening and will now fall into oblivion. 

This is my time to truly rake Girl in Red over the coals. Yet another young starlet opening for Taylor Swift. She threw everything that was her first releases in the nearest garbage can to go straight into the pop veil and fight for the leverage that opening position offered. In return, she slapped everyone who actually liked what she had going in the face. If you liked "If I Could Make It Go Quiet", or her first two EPs, don't even waste your time on "I'm Doing It Again Baby!". She called it her best album yet while working on it, but it is the worst thing she has released thus far. 

I would tell you all the hype and amazement I had listening to Lizzy McAlpine's album "Older", but about halfway through I lost focus and possibly fell asleep. I am growing tired of all these Phoebe Bridgers indie girl sound alikes. Frankly, I find Phoebe a bit on the boring side too but at least she has some emotional lyricism behind her sad guitar. This barely has anything to eat on it. I am starved after the appetizer. 

I am really sick of hearing about how Beyonce got snubbed this year at every country award show. Or in general, or how she deserved more chart recognition. Listen, I always try the new Beyonce album. Beyonce is an event. You come. That is what you do. She has turned her career into an event and frankly that is to be applauded. However, please bring back Renaissance. I may not love it but it is fun, danceable, and something she really put effort into. Cowboy Carter is down with some of the absolute worst albums I listened to this year. I don't care Willie Nelson got his bag and included himself. I don't mind people trying country. I mean Gwen Stefani and Post Malone were both trying on cowboy boots too. Stop insulting my intelligence by calling this country. And it is not because I will not accept "black influenced Country". Shaboozey did a better job of what Beyonce is trying. This is a Beyonce pop album with a tiny bit of country sprinkled into places and trying too hard in others. I have no intent on torturing myself to revisit this ever again.

Jennifer Lopez attempted a come back at being her, now, again. Except she faced a newfound difficult reality: no one actually cared. She had to cancel the tour. The album was a disaster. Void of any of the usual catchy things that keep JLO relevant. It is almost as washed up as the Gwen Stefani "country" album. Bouquets happened too. Let that sink in.

And I am sure you might be wondering now...what DO I like? I must admit I did not have a BRAT summer, although I do not think BRAT is worthy of this "terrible of terrible" list. I will share what I think are the BEST releases of 2024!